Learning to Breathe
by PadfootIsMyHomeDawg
Summary: Non-magic AU. "He's still there; he doesn't want to come out, because he fears that once he does he'll be hurt again." Remus is kidnapped by Fenrir Greyback at four years old. Broken and abused, he doesn't speak. But a certain Black is determined to break the third year at the Hogwarts School for Intellectual Youth out of his shell and become his friend...and maybe something more.
1. Prologue

**Hello! Thanks for coming over to check out this fic, if you just finished reading "Torn Up Inside", and if you're new, then welcome! Always love my readers! :) Just a warning, right now this fic is rated T (mainly for language) because I don't really have anything explicit or too dark as of yet, but that could very well change – it depends on how I take the story…so it might change to an M rating halfway through! Just so ya guys know…:)**

**Hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I'm enjoying writing it! And if you do enjoy it…PLEASE REVIEW! They encourage me to update faster, because I know that there ARE people out there reading this, as hard as it may be to believe in my lower points…;p**

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**"Everyone has their own ways of expression. I believe we all have a lot to say, but finding ways to say it is more than half the battle."  
― Criss Jami, ****_Salomé: In Every Inch, In Every Mile _**

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"Sweetie! It's time to come inside now! It's getting late!"

Remus Lupin looked up from playing tug-of-war with his little puppy in the garden. He peered through the brown-blond fringe on his forehead at the plump woman standing in the front doorway.

"But _Mummy_!" he whined. "I'm _playing_!"

"I know you've been playing," she replied with a concealed smile. "But the sun's almost set – it's time to come inside for the night."

The four-year-old huffed a little but gave in, walking as slow as he possibly could inside the warm house. The little Beagle pup followed faithfully beside him, running forward every couple of seconds and then going back to the little boy as though trying to show him that he could go faster.

After Remus had gotten close enough, his mother frowned a bit and touched his cheek with her gentle fingers.

"Goodness, you're freezing!" she exclaimed. "Go wash up and come to the table – I'll heat up some of the stew from supper." She sighed as the dog followed after her little boy into the house.

"It wasn't _that _cold, Mummy," Remus argued as he went into the kitchen. "Me an' Pig were having fun playin' in the garden." The pup barked at the sound of his name.

"Yes, I saw the fun you were having," she admonished lightly. "And it's _very _cold out there – it's already October, and I expect the snow will come soon."

"Yay!" the little boy cheered as he stretched on the step stool in front of the sink to reach the faucet. "I like snow," he said matter-of-factly. "I'm gonna build a _huge _snowman this year, and it's gonna be even bigger than _me_!"

She smiled softly at her son as he rubbed soap into his dirty hands. "I bet you will," she agreed. "Are you going to need a hat to put on his head?"

Remus nodded agreeably. "Yeah! Last time I used mine, and Ms. Figg's cat chewed it up and I couldn't have one for a _really _long time!"

As Remus continued to chatter away happily, Mrs. Lupin reheated some stew over the stove and pulled out a bowl to serve it in. He chatted about everything and nothing, with the puppy named Pig scampering about their feet. Just as he sat down at the table and she put the bowl in front of him, the back door opened and Mr. Lupin came in.

"Daddy!" Remus cheered, waving his spoon in the air and smiling widely at the large man.

"Hey, how's my little boy?" Mr. Lupin said with a smile that erased the fatigue from his face. He swooped down and picked up his son, swinging him up to sit upon his shoulders as he trotted around the kitchen.

Remus laughed loudly and tugged at his dad's hair. "Go faster, Daddy! Go faster!"

"Alright…but it's gonna get _crazy _in here…!"

"John!" Mrs. Lupin's stern reprimand brought both the boys' attention to her. "He's freezing and needs to eat his stew. You can't go gallivanting around the kitchen, either – it's much too small for that rough housing."

"Alrighty, then," John said with a grin and deftly swung Remus off his shoulders and into the chair he'd vacated previously. "Then I think I would like some stew as well – it smells delicious." As Mrs. Lupin went to fill another bowl, Mr. Lupin leaned over to Remus and whispered, "We'll go gallivanting together when she's not watching, okay champ?"

Remus giggled and nodded enthusiastically.

* * *

Remus woke up some time in the night to a low growling sound at his door. He blinked blearily and sat up, rubbing his eyes to see that Pig was standing in front of his closed door, making low growling noises.

"Pig?" Remus yawned and got out of bed, padding softly across the wood floor to the door. "Here you go, boy," he said, opening the door. Pig practically shot out, but when Remus started to close the door, the dog pressed against it with his nose. Remus decided that Pig must want him to follow him, so he obeyed, following the dog down the hallway and to the back door. Pig began scratching at it to be let out.

"It's cold out there, though," Remus whispered so as not to wake his parents. The pup whined and scratched the door again, so Remus sighed a little and pulled on his coat from the rack. After pulling on his shoes without bothering to do up the laces – he would only be out for a minute, after all – he undid the latch and opened the door to let the puppy out.

But Pig didn't stay in the yard – he shot straight to a spot in the fence where the wood was loose, and crawled through the small hole it provided, going into the dark forest just beyond their property.

"No! Pig!" Remus called in a loud whisper. When the untrained puppy didn't come back, he worriedly ran after him, opening the gate to get through and running into the forest.

Once he got into the forest, however, the light provided by the full moon diminished so significantly that Remus could hardly see in front of him at all. There were a few cracks in the dense canopy of trees though, so he was able to get by.

"Pig!" he called. "Come here, Pig!"

He ran for what felt like forever to the little boy, but was probably closer to only twenty minutes or so. All the while, he called for his puppy, and got farther and farther away from his house.

After a while, he sat down on a tree stump in a slightly lighter clearing of trees, and began to cry. His tiny shoulders trembled as he shed tears for his lost dog, and that made it harder to hear the twig that snapped behind him. The hands covering his face made it impossible to see that a large man with unkempt blond-brown hair was coming closer to him. If he'd seen the man, he would have seen the somewhat feral grin the man displayed when he saw the boy, as though he had just found his prey. As though his prey had just stepped into his den.

But he heard nothing, saw nothing, and it was that night that the man known as Fenrir Greyback took another victim.

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**Deep. Crazy. Shit. Hope it's crazy enough for you to…REVIEW! Yes? I bet you want to. :)**

**P.S. I love writing young Remus. He's just so freakishly adorable. ;D**


	2. Chapter 1

**Well. Thank you to the - one...two...three...FOUR! - people who reviewed...that's like, off the charts. There were just so many that I couldn't read them all.**

***silence***

**Yeah, ok. I was a bit disappointed with only four reviews, so THANK YOU to those that reviewed! Reviews always make me happy. So...those who didn't review? Shame on you!**

**Ok. Now that ****_that's _****out of the way, this is more buildup stuff, I guess, but he's older and it's showing more about him...I like this chapter, though! I hope you guys do, too! PLEASE REVIEW! (And then I'll update faster...) :D**

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He stared at the ceiling above him, but saw nothing. A television was mounted to the ceiling, for just such cases as his, but he didn't know what was being played. He wasn't paying any attention to the film, or to the doctors and nurses around him. He wasn't even aware that he was clean for once – no blood, no dirt or grime – he didn't realize that he was wearing a hospital gown that had been opened in the front to fix various devices and medical equipment to his chest and arms. He didn't seem to even be aware that he was in a brightly-lit hospital, rather than a dark dungeon-like cellar.

"I fear he may have extensive brain damage," one of the nurses was saying. "He's never acknowledged that he knows what's happening around him, and he hasn't spoken a word, or made a sound. He's just…existing."

The doctor, a kind-looking woman with dark hair, leaned over the patient in question, looking at the eyes staring without any sort of lucidity at the distance above him. The amber-colored orbs were so…dead. But she could see something there. She couldn't read it or identify it, but she somehow knew intuitively that it was a good sign.

"No," she said softly. Then, regaining her composure, she straightened and said in a stronger voice, "No. He's just shut everything out around him, but he's still there. He doesn't want to come out, because he fears that once he does he'll be hurt again." Silently she added, _And who really blames him?_

She continued, "It's a common occurrence in children who have gone through what he has, or something similar to what he has. I can give him something that can help with sleeping, which should help a little bit, but what he needs right now is the support of family and friends – people who love him. He needs to know that he's safe, no longer alone."

The nurses nodded, and with a last glance at the barely nine-year-old boy, the kind doctor left to check on her other patients.

But all through the day, her thoughts remained on the child Remus Lupin.

* * *

The bruises healed and the cuts faded, only faint white scars remaining in criss-crosses on the frail boy's body. He was self-conscious of these scars, though he never said so. It was just something that was never brought up in conversation – it was just accepted. He never really regained the healthy weight he'd had as a child, but they didn't know if this was because of lack of food or his body's chemistry. Perhaps it was a bit of both, but the Lupins were just grateful to have their son back after five years of worrying with him absent.

But it wasn't the same as before. No longer was Remus the happy, bubbly child he'd been before…everything. He hadn't even smiled since he got back – not once. Mr. Lupin had tried to change that by tickling him to induce laughter, as he'd done when he was a boy and was upset, but Remus had reacted badly and gone into a full-scale, silent panic attack.

That was another issue. He hadn't made a sound since he'd got back. No words, no grunts, no cries or screams – nothing. Sometimes he nodded or shook his head, but most of the time he stared. But he never stared someone directly in the eyes. He was around whenever his parents wanted to speak with him, but he never communicated. He was just…there.

Mrs. Lupin had worried about damaged vocal chords or some such, but Mr. Lupin had assured her that it was Remus' own choice that he never made a sound. Once upon a time, you could hear Remus running down the stairs in excitement when his dad got home, but now both of them were frequently startled when he appeared suddenly behind them or they turned and he was in the doorway.

They made _some _progress, though. In Remus' first month back, Mrs. Lupin had frequently discovered him reading one of her books in some remote corner of the house. After the first few times of this, she had gone out and bought several newer books that she thought would appeal to her boy based on the books that he'd already been reading. Remus hadn't shown any visible reaction when she gave them to him, but later she saw him with one of the new books, eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he envisioned the tales in his head. She couldn't help but smile at the sight, and continued to buy him any books she could get her hands on. After a year of this, all of the walls in his room were filled with bookshelves, which were in turn crammed and stacked with books. Various books could be seen scattered throughout the house – a stack on the coffee table, one on the kitchen island, a couple sitting on the back of the toilet in the bathroom.

Mr. Lupin also made a discovery concerning the silent boy. He'd once gone outside to pull up a couple of weeds around the rose bush and had seen Remus on the edge of the patio, tracing in the dirt. All Mr. Lupin saw when he walked over were circles and triangles missing a side, but it gave him an idea. A couple of days later, Remus was writing messages to his parents on a yellow legal pad in somewhat sloppy and childish handwriting. It started with simple words, with his handwriting clumsy and taking up most of the paper, but it was something. He never shared anything truly personal, like what had happened when he'd been gone, but it was okay, for now. He'd only been back a couple of months.

As the first couple of years progressed, Remus' progress was slow. He had yet to speak a word out loud, but his handwriting got neater and smaller after writing so much. After he had access to the paper and pen, writing took up much of his time as well. But, it wasn't journal-type things that he was writing; he was writing his own stories, penning down his own ideas. He was reluctant to share anything he'd written with his parents, but they didn't push him, instead buying him notebooks and legal pads as requested. After almost four years of being back, he had hundreds – possibly thousands – of handwritten pages detailing some of his creations. His mother especially was curious to know what he had written, but she never pushed him.

One day about two months before he turned thirteen, Mrs. Lupin was rolling out dough for cinnamon rolls when Remus appeared out of the corner of her eye. She looked over with a somewhat strained smile, which he made no attempt to return. He held out his ever-present legal pad for her to read the neat writing below a note he'd made earlier:

_Can I go to school?_

Mrs. Lupin blinked, her cinnamon rolls practically forgotten. "School?" she echoed his words. "Isn't the homeschooling alright for you?"

Remus took a moment to write out a response. _Yes. But I want to be around more people __my__ age._

"I'm not sure you're quite all caught up with your grade, Remy," Mrs. Lupin said hesitantly and as gently as she could. "The people in your age group are more advanced than you are at the moment."

Remus blinked, and an expression of unease crossed over his features before he scribbled hastily into the notepad.

_I know I can catch up. I know a lot of stuff already. I've been reading a lot._

Mrs. Lupin couldn't help a small smile at the last part. "Been reading a lot" – that was an understatement. "Yes, I know you have been, sweetie," she said. "But I don't think you're quite ready for public school just yet. It's different to your preschool and day care when you were…"

She trailed off because Remus had begun furiously scribbling on the paper. After a moment, he handed it to her for her to read again.

_Not public school – I know that would be too much. I meant more like a boarding school, where it's more structured and disciplined._

Mrs. Lupin practically choked. "_Boarding _school?!" she exclaimed. "Why ever would you want to _live _at _school_?"

_Dad went to Hogwarts School for Intellectual Youth when he was my age. I was looking at it in his yearbook and I liked the structure and virtues it had._

Mrs. Lupin shook her head in astonishment when she read what he'd written. "That was different, Remy," she told him. "He was…it's not the same…"

_I like the idea of living with three or four other boys in the same room. It might help._

Mrs. Lupin, unfortunately, immediately knew that he was talking about the night terrors he had practically every night. They were silent – like everything else he did – and the only reason she and her husband knew about them was because they could hear Remus tossing around in his bed through the wall. But even touching was out of the question, even if only trying to wake him from a nightmare. Remus was the only one who could initiate a touch – anything else made him jittery or panicky. And that was understandable, but it still broke the parents' hearts every time they went in for a hug and he got those huge, fearful eyes staring up at them.

…but she was getting off of her train of thought. She knew what Remus was thinking – that perhaps with other people in the room, he would feel safer when he _went _to sleep and therefore had fewer or no nightmares.

"And what of your not speaking?" she asked him. "Your teachers will want someone who vocalizes their responses without having to read off your pad every time, and your peers will be curious."

_Let them be curious. I won't tell them – it's none of their business. And the teachers can be told that I have PTSD._

Mrs. Lupin gave him a look. "You _do _have PTSD, because you won't talk about or write about what happened to you, even after four years."

Remus pressed his lips in a thin line, but he didn't write anything down. They'd talked about this before – no pun intended – but she could never get him to open up – about _anything_. All that she knew was what the doctors had told her, which was more the physical injuries. They could glean nothing of his psychological state except to determine that he had Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Which he didn't agree with.

_The teachers can be told __something__. I really want to go to Hogwarts._

Mrs. Lupin sighed. "I'll talk with your father about it when he gets home from work."

Remus didn't smile – not that it was expected – but gave her a nod, and then left the room.

After he'd left, Mrs. Lupin leaned tiredly against the counter. She already knew that John would say yes, he should go…but she didn't want him to. As much as she wanted him to have a social life and be a normal boy, she was afraid for what others might say or do to him. He had already been hurt badly enough in the physical, emotional, _and _psychological aspects, and she knew how cruel teenagers could be at his age. But she also knew that Remus would have fun, if he was so willing to try this. Which he was. And she couldn't fault him for wanting that. _She _wanted it for him too; she just wasn't sure that he was going to go about it the right way.

_What have I gotten myself into? _She wondered.

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**Yes, this deserves a review. Yes, this deserves a review from YOU. Yes, YOU should REVIEW. Just press that little button below and type up a quick one. ;p**


	3. Chapter 2

**Hello! Thanks for the EIGHT reviews for the last chapter! Keep 'em coming! As promised, here is the next chapter, where Remus meets the Marauders!**

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"Looks like we have a new roommate, mates!" James Potter grinned as he turned to see Sirius Black waltzing into the room with his usual strut, and Peter Pettigrew trailing after him.

Sirius flopped onto his bed in what might have been considered overdramatic, had he been doing it for that purpose. "Where'd you hear that?"

James rolled his eyes and pointed to the empty bed. "Kensington moved to the States over the summer, and this trunk says 'Remus Lupin'. I know I may lose my memories of some nights if I get too drunk, but I'm pretty sure I'd remember if – " He was cut off by all the air whooshing from his lungs when Sirius threw a pillow at his stomach.

"Can the attitude, Potter," Sirius said, but he was grinning to show that he was joking. "Anyway, what's the deal? He's probably going to be just like Kensington was – a prudish, bossy swot who can't seem to pull his head out of his arse to see that there are sweeter-smelling things growing in the flower fields.

James rolled his eyes. "We don't _have _flower fields."

"We should, though," Sirius mused without missing a beat. "It would definitely be an improvement to the smell around here."

"That's probably your feet you smell."

Sirius flipped him the bird, but he chuckled nonetheless.

"_Anyway_," James said, rolling his eyes. "He's gotta be important, else Dumbledore and McGonagall wouldn't be talking about him in hushed tones."

Sirius sat up immediately, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "What were they saying about him?" he asked. "Anything we might find interesting?"

James shrugged. "Not that I heard. They saw me listening and walked away, but I know I heard the name 'Lupin'."

"How can you _remember _a name like that?" Peter asked him.

"Superior brain powers," James teased, flopping back onto his bed. "I remember things much better than you do, man."

Before Peter could either come up with a retort or hide himself in shame, the door opened and a thin boy with honey-colored hair walked timidly into the room. His gaze darted between the three as though quickly assessing them, before he waved a hand in greeting and went to his bed.

"Hi," Sirius said, getting up from his bed and holding a hand out to the boy. "I'm Sirius Black. The two dunces over there are James Potter and Peter Pettigrew." The other two boys waved in turn when Sirius said their names.

The boy turned and looked at him with a sharp and yet still somehow nervous gaze, and then reached out and shook his hand. But he didn't say anything – just released the hand after a moment and went to the bag on his bed.

"So…you must be Remus Lupin, then," James said, trying to make conversation as the boy rifled through his bag.

The boy didn't say anything, but brought out of his bag a yellow legal pad. Sirius could see writing already on the first page, sentences broken up by a line in between each of them.

"Are you deaf, man?" James was getting annoyed, Sirius could tell. He watched as the boy began writing on the pad and not acknowledging them at all.

Now Sirius was getting annoyed. Here they were, trying to be nice to their new roommate, and he was just ignoring them as though they weren't worth his time. Sirius wasn't used to being ignored – not at school, anyway – and he really didn't like it. Honestly, was it so hard to just say "hello"? This Remus Lupin was irritating already, and he hadn't even been with them for five minutes. Could he deal with him all year? Maybe Lupin would switch to a different school, after the school year ended. But if he was going to ignore them the entire year while they still lived in the same dorm –

But now Lupin was holding out the pad, as though for him to read. He took it and looked down to where a bolded arrow pointed to the last note on the page.

_Hello. Yes, I'm Remus Lupin. I just switched here after being homeschooled._

Sirius looked up at Lupin. "Why aren't you speaking?" he asked, ignoring all contents of the note and simply focusing on the fact that he read _a _note.

Lupin held out a hand for the pad, and after Sirius had handed it back, he tore off the top page, crumpled it into a ball, and tossed it onto his bed before writing on the new, clean page.

_I'm just not. Don't worry about it._

Sirius blinked and raised his eyebrows slightly before saying, "Why were you homeschooled, then? And why'd you decide to come to _Hogwarts_?"

Lupin took the pad back and wrote the next note before handing it back.

_I wanted to be around more people my age and not be with only my parents._

Sirius noticed that he hadn't answered the first question, but didn't point that out. Instead he said, "I agree with you there. I would be miserable if I had to be with only my parents all day."

Something flickered in the boy's eyes, but he wrote down no response. After taking back the legal pad, he sat on his bed and opened his bag. He pulled out a book and began reading, as though they were no longer there. Sirius, James, and Peter all looked around themselves with raised eyebrows, before going back to their respective beds and talking again. But even as Sirius laughed with James, his eyes kept wandering to their mysterious new roommate. There were already so many questions he wanted answered about the boy, but he wasn't going to ask – it was clear that Lupin didn't want to tell.

_What is he hiding? _Sirius wondered. He was determined to find out.

* * *

For the first day of lessons, Sirius observed Remus quietly, always sitting only one seat away from Remus. If he wasn't next to him, he would sit behind him or just diagonal to him. He didn't sit in front of him – otherwise it would've raised more than a few eyebrows (not to mention awkward questions) if he tried to turn around to look at Remus.

The general gist that he got of the boy was that he was reserved, but kind. He was studious, but he saw him passing notes to Lily Evans – James' crush – during Chemistry. He should've known that the two would become instant friends – they both gave off the same vibe of being studious but nice. But there was also the huge difference that she wasn't afraid to raise her voice – _a lot _– when James asked her on a date…again…and Remus – obviously – was silent. He didn't think he'd ever seen anything like it in any other teenage boy their age.

After classes were over for the day, he was walking down the corridor back to the dorms to put his stuff down before going out by the tree he, James, and Peter always sat at by the lake. Remus was walking ahead of him, alone and clutching his stack of books as close to his chest as he could. It looked tiring – besides the school's textbooks, he also spied the pad he wrote out everything on and a book that looked like Remus was reading just for fun. It was more tattered than the new books he'd gotten that day, and he saw the edge of a bookmark sticking out the top of it.

He was just about to walk faster to catch up to the silent boy and help him carry the books back up to the dorms when he saw another, older boy by the name of Lucius Malfoy walk briskly past, deliberately shoving the slighter boy. The shove sent him toppling to his hands and knees, scattering his books across the hall in front of him. Malfoy laughed and walked on, calling him a freak as he went. But before Remus had schooled his features, Sirius had seen the hurt, pained, and what might've been haunted look in his eyes.

No one was stopping to help Remus pick up his books or even rise to his feet, walking around him instead. The hallway was clearing out as Sirius went over to him and helped him pick up the scattered books. He stacked them neatly in his arms along with his own two books but didn't hand them over to Remus as he rose to his feet. He held out a hand to help Remus up as well, and Remus grasped it almost delicately. He looked almost warily at the books in Sirius' arms, but Sirius simply shifted them under his arm to have a better grip on them as he jerked his head in a motion to keep walking.

"Malfoy's a git," he said matter-of-factly but still quietly as they walked along the corridor. "Don't pay any attention to what the wanker has to say."

Remus' writing pad was somewhere between his books, so he simply nodded once in acknowledgement. His gaze seemed to linger on Sirius for a moment or so before he looked forward.

"You wanna hang out with me and James and Peter during free time?" Sirius said abruptly. "I mean, if you've got nothing else to do – we hang out at this tree down by the lake…"

Remus looked surprised for a moment before he pulled his writing pad awkwardly from between his English and Arithmetic books, and then a pen from his pocket. After a minute of writing as they walked, he handed it over to Sirius with a nervous look on his face.

Sirius looked at the note – _Will your friends be okay with my joining you guys?_

Sirius shrugged and handed the pad back. "Yeah, they're cool. And if they don't want you there, we can just go off by ourselves." He flushed slightly when he realized what he'd said after noting the surprised look on Remus' face. "But they'll be fine. You're our dorm mate, after all."

Remus nodded and made an odd motion with one hand. Sirius was confused. "What?"

Remus repeated the action, slower this time, and Sirius realized that he was signing in American Sign Language – an 'O' and a 'K'.

"You know ASL?" Sirius was surprised – first that he knew _any _sign language, but also that he knew _American _Sign Language as opposed to British Sign Language.

_Only the letters. _Remus wrote down on the pad. Sirius grinned and chuckled a bit. "Yeah, me too. I didn't bother to learn the BSL letters, 'cause you gotta use two hands for those and it's easier just with the one." He nodded to Remus' stack of books held with one arm. "Plus, it makes it easier when only one hand is available…"

Sirius chatted meaninglessly as they walked back to the dorms, and noticed that Remus listened attentively the whole time, a strange sort of look on his face. He looked almost thankful but confused. And while he never smiled, he did look at least a little bit happy. It was something in his eyes that Sirius hadn't seen before, at any point during the day or the night before. He decided he liked it.

_I wonder if I could get him to **actually **smile, _he reflected as they went down to the tree after dropping off their stuff back in the dorms. He resolved that that would be his new goal – that, and getting him to speak.

When they got to the tree, James and Peter only looked at Remus curiously but said nothing against him. Sirius noted the relieved look he sported as they sat down and James started talking about the football team **(A/N: soccer for Americans)**, which he had been the captain of for two years.

"After six of our team graduated last year, it'll be that much harder to find replacements this year." James said as he tugged grass from the ground. "Personally, I think it's doubtful we'll find anyone as good as the ones that left, but there you have it. I wonder if Evans will try out this year – I know she plays…"

Sirius snorted, momentarily forgetting about Remus. "Yeah, right. I overheard her talking at dinner last night – she said she'd never try out for anything where 'Potter' was captain."

"Hey, but she was talking about me!" James said defensively, and then flashed a confident smile. "She can't resist my charm forever."

Sirius turned to Remus and explained, "James here has had a little _crush _on your friend Lily Evans since the first day of school when she slapped him for talking rude to this other git, Severus Snape. Apparently Snape and Evans were friends before coming to Hogwarts, and she didn't appreciate his comment about the greasy hair."

"Hey!" James defended suddenly. "It is not just a _crush_, Black. Lily Evans is the love of my life, and one day she's going to fall for me."

Sirius snorted again. "Yeah, she'll fall in her haste to run _away_ from you, you mean."

James retaliated by tossing the grass he'd collected at Sirius, and Sirius laughed and shook it out of his hair. He turned back to Remus and went on, "At least once a week he asks her out, and she says 'no' every time, but it never discourages him." He rolled his eyes, half in exasperation and half in fondness for his best friend.

"She can't deny her feelings for long," James said boldly. "It's gonna happen one day, just you wait and see."

Remus suddenly held out his writing pad to James, and James took it and read over the note that none of them had realized he'd been writing.

_Have you tried being more mature around her? Maybe if you're not so cocky, she'll know that you're not just looking for something quick as opposed to being "an arrogant, bullying toerag"._

Sirius saw the note and roared with laughter, then thumped Remus on the shoulder in appreciation. James looked at Remus for any hint of mockery, and while he did see seriousness, there was also a bit of amusement in his eyes, and maybe something else that he couldn't quite identify. There was no upturn of his lips – no smile – but James knew without having to be told that Remus was giving him real advice but also found it funny.

"Was she talking about me to you?" James asked suspiciously, seeing the "arrogant, bullying toerag" bit. Remus shrugged in response and made a motion with his hand like he was writing. James just rolled his eyes, but Sirius laughed harder.

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**...That seems like a perfect place to stop! Hope you guys loved! PLEASE REVIEW! :) Going to visit my grandpa's grave for the first time this weekend...I'd love a pick-me-up when I come back! How about...ten reviews? I like that idea...it's so easy, come on! :)**


	4. Chapter 3

**Thanks for the nine reviews for the last chapter, mah peeps! ;p Someone mentioned that it was annoying that I kept asking for reviews in every chapter, so I'll just take this chance to say REVIEWS INSPIRE! Seriously, guys - if you review, I update. Simple as that. So here's me begging for this chapter and every chapter in the future for reviews, and I promise if you continue to review, I won't ASK for reviews. K? Cool. :)**

**Also, someone mentioned Remus being okay with Sirius touching him in the last chapter, so I made sure to address that in this chapter, and made a small alteration in the last chapter. Sometimes I just get so excited that I don't think about the smaller details...thanks for mentioning that, NeonDomino! If any of you guys see an issue here, just let me know and I'll be sure to fix it!**

**Anyhoo, hope you enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

_Well, my first week has passed at Hogwarts. I suppose it's been interesting. The classes are hard, but I like it – I have to really think to be able to pass with good grades. My favorite is probably the Creative Writing class with Professor Burbage. There are a lot of options to choose for each core subject, so for English I chose Creative Writing. I like the Greek and Roman Myths class I chose for my Social Studies/History class, but Professor Trelawney is a bit…odd. It's alright, though._

_My roommates seem nice enough. James Potter seems to be the leader of them (me too now, I guess), but he's a right idiot. Not in a bad way, but…well, he's very arrogant. Peter Pettigrew doesn't help much, what with him always trailing after him and laughing a bit too hard at his jokes. They're alright, though – they're nice. The first thing I think of about Sirius Black is…hands-y. Besides when he talks and gesticulates with his hands a lot, he seems to feel this incessant need to touch people. It's a little nerve-wracking, but I think I'm doing pretty well at hiding it. I wonder if I should say something…well, in a metaphorical sense, anyway. But it's not bothering me too badly – I only had one flashback when it first started, but it wasn't too big a deal. I don't think any one of them noticed…_

_In my Chemistry class, I made a friend on the first day. Her name is Lily Evans, and she's one of the prettiest girls in Hogwarts. James has a crush on her – and by crush, I mean "absolutely obsessed". She thinks he's "an arrogant, bullying toerag"…her words, not mine. Apparently she's said it to his face on multiple occasions, though I have yet to see a time when she explodes on him. Sirius assures me that it's bound to happen soon, though._

_Anyway, I suppose I'll write when something interesting happens. It's been pretty mundane so far…_

_-Remus_

Remus put his pen down and closed the composition notebook he used as a journal, putting it in the bedside table drawer just as James came bounding in.

"Hey, Lupin," James greeted, going over to his bed and plopping down. "What's up?"

Remus shrugged and picked up a book from his stack beside him.

James didn't seem to care much as he pulled off his cleats and socks, tossing them to the side. "That's cool, then. Anyway, saw you talking with Evans – she say anything about me?"

Remus looked up from the book and arched an eyebrow in response, clearly saying, _What do you think?_

James sighed, though he didn't look defeated. "Yeah, probably the usual. One day it will happen, though – she'll see that I am the man of her dreams in no time."

Remus snorted mentally, but outwardly he shrugged and raised his book to his eyes.

Just as he did so, Sirius came bounding in, a panicked look on his face.

"James, you gotta help me!" he exclaimed, and then saw Remus. "Oh, good – you're here too! Okay. See, I was walking down to the lake, and these…these _birds _– _real_ birds, not girls – started coming after me! I swear, it was like they were the kamikaze – they were sworn to take me down! And it was creepy, right? Because they weren't just _any _birds…they were _hummingbirds_! And you _know _how those things creep me out as it _is_, with their _absurdly_ long beaks and they just go _bzzzzz!_"

"I'm pretty sure _hummingbirds_ don't _buzz_, Sirius," James said, rolling his eyes. "They _hum_."

"But they _were _buzzing!" Sirius insisted. "And _don't_ interrupt me! Anyway, there were like, a _hundred _of them, and they were all swarming around me like…like mosquitoes in summer! And then this _one_ starts pecking at me like it's a freaking _woodpecker_, which is strange in itself, because it's not supposed to be _pecking_! And then it was like, the domino effect, because then they _all _started pecking, and then somehow I was holding a _squid_ – are squids even able to survive in the lake? – and it was flopping around and getting the hummingbirds wet, which made them _angry_, see? So then…"

"Sirius," James interrupted. "Skip to the end. _What's_ the problem?"

Sirius took a breath as though steadying himself, and then recited, "Jelly beans are scattered everywhere on the second floor, a couple of first years are hanging by their underwear on the chandeliers in the Great Hall, there is a lost flock of geese running around that was last seen in the dungeons, and because of aforementioned problems, I'm pretty sure McGonagall is going to chop off my balls and feed them to her cat."

James blinked, and then chuckled. That chuckle turned into a laugh, and soon he was clutching his sides as tears streamed down his face. At first Sirius was frustrated at this lack of worry from his best mate, but soon his face cracked too, and he was smiling. Then he was laughing, and they were two boys laughing together over something completely stupid and sure to get Sirius – if not Sirius _and _James – into a lot of trouble.

After several minutes of hard laughter, they finally got themselves under control, and Sirius glanced over to Remus. Where he'd expected to see even a little bit of amusement on the stoic-faced teenager, all he saw was annoyance as he buried his nose in his book. He felt his own feelings of irritation flare up – why couldn't Remus just _stop _being such a stick in the mud all the time and have some fun? Why did he have to get annoyed over this? Did he think them immature and childish, and he was "oh-so-grown up" that he disapproved of the laughter and typical teenage fun?

_Stupid Lupin, _he thought. _Who does he think he is? I'll show him._

* * *

_I think I did something to James and Sirius, but I don't know what. Everything was fine until a few days ago, when Sirius came running into the dorm with some story about how he got into trouble and needed help getting out of it. I don't really know the whole story of what happened to lead "attacking hummingbirds" to "attacking Calculus professor", but that's not important. Afterwards, Sirius seemed a bit colder with me than normal, and he's been a bit…I don't know…snide ever since then. And he's telling more stupid stories._

_It took me awhile to recognize what my feelings were as Sirius was telling James and me that first story – the one about the hummingbirds. I'm jealous. I am so…ridiculously jealous of how carefree Sirius and James are, how their greatest fear can be detention with McGonagall. And I don't like the feeling. But what can I do to stop it? They never had to deal with being used by a sick bastard for five years, day after wretched day, with no clue as to the passing days except when he would next come down to that dark, lonely basement to have another fu_

Remus stopped writing suddenly, realizing that he was shaking. He'd never let out so much at once, even as he recognized that he hadn't even written a whole sentence. It was too much, too soon. He heard his mother's voice in the back of his mind, the one that told him he had PTSD, because he was so unwilling to write or say anything about what happened.

_Well, I do write about it, _he thought, gripping his notebook and pen tight in his fingers. _Just…not as me, from my point of view._

He read over the last incomplete sentence that he'd written in his notebook, and then suddenly used his pen to scribble in harsh lines over the entire entry. For almost a whole minute he scribbled, before he finally just slammed the notebook shut and threw it into his bedside cabinet.

After a pause, he pulled out another notebook from the cabinet and went to the last page he'd written on. After reading the last paragraph of what he'd written to refresh his memory, he started writing down more of the semi-fictitious story that existed inside his head.

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**If you didn't read it, go to my note at the beginning of the chapter! VERY IMPORTANT! :)**

**Also, short chapter, but whatevs. I wasn't quite sure what to write, but now there's a bit of strife between them, so it should get interesting! So...there you have it. Can anyone offer some advice on how to make the story longer without it being too rushed? Just something that can happen to add more depth to the characters and the story...**

**Cheers!**


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